I can't wait till I get Alzheimer's -- new pussy every night!
At my age, I'm lucky to get an erection. I'd be happy if a flag came out with a sign that said, "Hey, thanks for the opportunity."
You can teach an old dog new tricks, you just don't want to watch the dog doing them.
[Elizabeth Taylor] is the most beautiful three women in the world at this point.
Do you have any idea the guts it takes to wear feathers like this? [motion to outrageous attire] When you have legs like these? [chicken dance movements]
I'm getting older and I'm thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on my cholesterol.
Fuck the Gen X-ers. It's their diapers that are clogging up the landfill.
I went to Africa. Now I know how white people feel in America -- relaxed. 'Cause you hear a police car coming, you know it ain't coming after your ass.
How come the white male politicians who vote against affirmative action are always so willing to accept a handicap on the golf course?
Do you think anyone's ever bitten their tongue and then decided to eat the rest?
I spilled spot remover on my dog -- now he's gone.
I'm getting an abortion. I don't need one, but I feel that as an American I should exercise that right before it gets taken away.
I say to this dude with a "Stop Abortion" picket sign, "I have the answer to abortion -- shoot your dick. Take that tired piece of meat down to the ASPCA and let 'em put it to sleep."
People don't know who I am. Some people don't know I do standup. They just write that I'm that guy from those failed sitcoms. I always joke that "I've never heard of me either."
I had a dream that midgets were trying to assassinate me, so I bought a bullet-proof car. But since they were midgets, I bought a convertible.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child ...eventually.
Last time I went to the grocery store I caused a lot of commotion 'cause I tried to buy that thing at the register that separates your food from the other guy's food... [emotion: distress] "No, I need this! You don't know what its like where I live."
In school they told me "practice makes perfect." Then they told me "nobody's perfect," so I stopped practicing...
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.
Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies, but I have lots of friends - babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... Gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about... Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
When I first read the dictionary I thought it was a long poem about everything.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world... Maybe you've seen it?
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I... didn't hear it.
I recently went to the hardware store, and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
